“Parenting is the greatest pay it forward system on earth. We don’t owe our parents anything. We owe our children everything. The same was true for our parents. The same will be true for our children.”
When I’m writing these posts I do so in hopes that they will reach the people who need to read them at that exact moment in their lives. When I wrote When I’m Gone I did so because I needed to find a way to put into words how becoming a second time mom felt with two under two, and so other mothers could see that we all can relate to each other. When I wrote I Am Struggling I shared it in an attempt to show the true, honest and sometimes not-so-fun side of my life, to let others who read it know that we are all struggling in different ways, and that they aren’t alone. Each of my posts is written for both myself as a therapeutic outlet but also as a way to reach out to help others, and get a specific message across. So now, days before my first born’s birthday I am writing something special that is just for him to read someday – just in case I can’t tell him myself when the time comes. This is what it meant to me when I became your mother.
When I found out I was going to become your mother, I loved you from the moment I knew you existed. You were the size of an apple seed, nestled safely inside of me, and I fantasized about who the little person I was carrying would look like, how you would act, and who you would be someday. When I became your mother, for the first time in as long as I could remember I allowed myself to start dreaming again.
As you grew inside of me, I had no idea how much my life would change for the better. I stopped allowing any negativity in my life. I removed people who didn’t have mine and therefore your best interests at heart. And I stopped caring what anyone on Earth thought of it, because I knew you deserved the world and needed to be protected. I pulled my circle in tight, and made sure that you would come into this world with only the most loving and joyful of environments awaiting you. When I became your mother, the quality of my entire life got better – just because you were going to join it.
When I found out you were a boy, we celebrated joyously. No matter what you were we knew that we would love you dearly – but there was just something special about having a little boy around. Maybe because I was still so scared of raising a girl, and feared the idea of a mother/daughter relationship that I didn’t have myself? I’m sure I would have learned, but finding out you were a boy was such a relief and a thrill. Your Baba couldn’t have has a bigger smile and tears in his eyes, and we couldn’t wait to meet you. We named you on the spot that day. When I became your mother, I fell deeply in love with a person I hadn’t even met yet.
The day you were born was the most amazing day of my life. You took so long to come out, but I would go through every single second of it all again, a thousand times for you, and I mean that. When they laid you on me, you didn’t even cry. You just looked up at me as I started to talk and sing quietly to you, and you just stared at me, and I felt so at peace. Like I was finally home. Your Baba cried – and he never, ever cries. We were in such awe of you. When I became your mother, my faith in God was restored.
As your grew, I couldn’t get over you. You had your daddies eyes, my mouth, and smiled from the first day you were born. You really did! You giggled before you even made a coo, and were the happiest baby I had ever seen. You nursed right away, and were attached to me because of it. You loved to be held, and fed, but not sleep so much. And I was OK with that. Because I would sit and rock you for hours and just stare at your little face; your tiny nose just like mine and huge feet and hands like your daddies and just marvel at the beautiful creation that we made. Your first year astounded me. I couldn’t believe how physically strong you were, so early on. I was just in awe of every single thing you accomplished. When I became your mother, I learned what it meant to be truly and entirely smitten with another human being.
On your first birthday, I cried. Not too much, but I did. I was honestly more excited for your birthday, to celebrate you and the special little boy you were. So many of our family and friends were there to celebrate you; you hugged and adored every single person who came, and they all spoiled you rotten with attention and love. When I became your mother, I realized how lucky we were to have amazing people surrounding us – and it was all because of you that only the best were there.
In your second year, you became a comedian. You learned how to make us laugh so much, and did the silliest, naughtiest things to do so. You’re the friendliest little boy in the world, and love to be social. Every single person you see gets a huge smile, and your presence literally lights up every space you come into. You shine like the sun, baby. You’re so goofy and say hilarious things – maybe just to your Baba and I – but we can’t get over the stuff that you do and phrases you’re starting to say. You became so affectionate, giving tons of kisses along with your hugs that are head butts – the perfect combination of rough and tumble, but sensitive and sweet. When I became your mother, I had no idea how amazed and happy I could be with these simple things in life that aren’t really things.
Halfway through this year you met your little brother and although jealous at first, you’ve adjusted and learned how to live with our new family of four beautifully. You help me with his feedings, are patient with his cries, and learning to be gentle with him. I wish I could capture every day how he smiles at you and watches you, in admiration and joy. Gigi loves you so, so much! When I became your mother, I had no idea that I could love you even more for becoming an amazing big brother.
And here we are, and I’m a mess, because my first baby is now two. I can’t believe how fast my time has gone by with you but as they say – time flies when you’re having fun. No matter what happens in this life I have had you for two beautiful and magical years. I am eternally grateful to the universe for blessing me with you, and will spend the rest of my days trying to pay it forward for doing so. So to my wild, beautiful, happy and free spirited little boy, most of all I want to tell you this: you will never know what being given the gift of you did to me; how much it changed my life and the quality of it. I thank God every day for sending you. Thank you for saving me. You did more than just change my life – you transformed who I am. When I became your mother, I found my calling. I became exactly who I was meant to be.
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